I didn’t blog yesterday. I didn’t have much to say. It’s the week after the holidays. The week you spend wishing for more days off, less work to catch up on, warmer weather, less time before the next holiday (which is Memorial Day for me…ouch).

I planned on coming here today with my usual, “life is great” “we ate delish food” “Bill is cute” attitude. But that just felt fake. So I’m gonna give it to you straight. Life is good, but it’s not always easy. And while I have it better than most, I still have ish I gotta deal with.

See? Bill is cute…and also sleeps on his back like a person. 🙂

So in the midst of fun weekend plans, future dress fittings, excitement over races, trying to plan my best friend’s bachelorette party, celebrating weddings and love of family and friends, I also have one other thing on my mind…that thing is a little biotch called BRCA.

You all know by now that I have a family history of breast  and ovarian cancer. You know that my mom and I are BRCA1 positive. You know that my mom had risk reducing surgery and had her breasts and ovaries removed. You also know that every six months I have to undergo my own tests to make sure I am cancer free.

I went through all this in July…well six months later is here. It’s time to have my vagine and ta-tas poked, prodded and manipulated all over again. And you know what? That’s no big thing. I mean it’s a medical procedure. It all takes just a few minutes, despite being uncomfortable and awkward.

The thing that gets me is why I need to get these tests. One word…cancer. That word alone scares the crap out of me. So I guess just thinking about all this stuff is just weighing on my mind. And while I know it’s necessary it doesn’t make it any easier.

I was talking to my mom about it last night and she described it all perfectly. It’s heavy. I mean what person wants to book appointments with an oncologist, get a blood test for ovarian cancer, have her insides looked at for signs of lumps? It’s all just very scary, very real, very…heavy.

Sometimes I get so worried about the possible outcomes that I just stop what I’m doing. I think that I’m too young for all this mess. I want to get married, have kids, run marathons. I want to live life. I don’t want cancer.

Hah, how childish does that sound? Does anyone want cancer? And unfortunately cancer doesn’t care how old you are, especially being BRCA positive. Sometimes I wonder when it’s going to come. That’s kind of a morbid thought, but it’s true.

So that’s my story this week. While the logical side of me knows that all of these tests are necessary and that I am lucky for the surveillance, support and health insurance to pay for all this stuff…another part of me sits here and thinks of all these worst case scenarios. The what ifs, whens, whys.

In an attempt to cheer myself up and get the ef over my pity party, I signed up for a 5k on Sunday – the Frozen 5k in Manassas. I’ve never run a 5k before, so I’m excited for a new distance to conquer. And what’s even better is they give long sleeve tees and medals at the end of the race. We all know that I love my bling.

I’ll give an update once all my tests are done. I’m crossing my fingers that everything is a-ok for six more months. Until then, I’m gonna woman up because being a crybaby over all this isn’t going to help anyone. Knowledge is power and all that. The more I see my doctor, get tested and get blood work, the more prepared we’ll all be if I ever do get the bad news.

Thanks for reading. Have a fab one! 🙂


5 responses to “Heavy

  1. Hang in there Taylor!

  2. You are amazing! I love you!

  3. Love you T-Moneyyyy!!!!! 🙂

  4. Like mother, like daughter. You and your mama are two extraordinary women! Thank you, Taylor, for this post. Will make sure my 24 year old daughter who is BRCA2 positive reads this. Well done!

  5. Pingback: Go Away! |

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