Usually I have a pretty positive outlook on life. I am a generally happy person. I have my health, my amazing fiance, our wonderful families and the best friends in the world.
I am also positive for the BRCA 1 gene mutation. I have blogged about this in the past and usually just kind of roll with it. I mean it’s kind of like any other disease, condition etc. You have it and you deal with it. Worrying, bitching and moaning won’t change the fact that I am BRCA 1 positive.
But sometimes, out of nowhere, the impact of being positive hits me like a punch in the stomach. I would like to think that cancer can’t and won’t happen to me, but if I am being honest with myself, the possibility of cancer is pretty dang high. While it may not be high right now at my age, my lifetime risk is closer to 100% than 50%.
So while I go on with my life, happy to be cancer free, there is also that little part of me that wonders when it’s gonna strike. It’s a very real possibility, and every day women my age and younger are being diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here. But these are the things I think about.
Having this cancer risk will impact me for the rest of my life. Not gonna lie, sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb. I wonder when I’ll hear the words. What exam will be the one to show something abnormal. I had a very small taste of what it would be like when I got called back for a second mammogram and then an ultrasound on my left breast.
Sometimes I feel scared. I don’t want to have kids and then get cancer. I want to be able to run and play and be a mom. I don’t want to get cancer before I have kids. Ideally, I would have kids and then have the surgeries to remove my breasts and ovaries and then my cancer risks will be hugely decreased.
I know that I cannot control the outcome of my situation. Cancer will either come or it won’t. My mom was lucky and at 51 she was cancer free. My grandma was first diagnosed when she was in her 30’s. So there is really no telling what will happen to me. I have a fear of the unknown.
I guess it’s normal to be afraid. I can only put on a brave face for so long before I gotta vent a little. So for now, I will just keep thanking God for my health and keep crossing my fingers for negative test results. Ok, vent over.
And because this post was a little emo, here is a comparison of Bill back in June when we first got him and what he looks like now…
Where did my baby go?!!
Thanks for reading. Have a fab one!