My blog tends to be pretty light and happy. I keep it this way because no one likes to read about doom and gloom and I like to be positive. I like when my blog posts are full of pretty pictures, good food and fun activities.
That being said, I have also been pretty candid about my mom’s journey with the BRCA1 gene mutation and the steps she has taken since she found out she was positive. I realize that these posts are not always the happiest or the easiest to read (or write for that matter). While she is healing and doing awesome, these past few months have been very hard on her as well as my family.
Because my mom was positive for the gene mutation and therefore had a dramatically higher risk of developing breast and ovarian cancer, she underwent surgeries to have her ovaries and breasts removed. As you have read over and over again, I respect my mom for her decision and consider her the bravest woman I know.
My mom and my dad have both been so strong during these past few months. They have both been through a lot with my mom’s recent surgeries – long nights, hospital visits, miles and miles back and forth between home and the doctor, a scary infection resulting in an emergency surgery. And despite it all, they are just so loving to each other and so brave for my brother and me. They are my heroes.
Due to our family’s history with breast cancer, I got tested myself for the gene mutation three weeks ago. Tomorrow my parents and I will be returning to Georgetown to the Lombardi Cancer Center to get my results.
The whole time I approached this with a level head. I cannot change my genes and do not know if I even have the gene mutation, so why get all worked up about it?
But now, the day before I get my results I can say that I am pretty anxious. The rational side of me knows that there is nothing I can do about my results. The piece of paper with my results on it has probably been sitting in an office for days, just waiting to be given to me at my appointment.
If I am positive, short term, I would probably have very little to worry about and could go on living my life like normal. But I am kind of scared and worried about my potential future.
More than scared, I am sad for my parents. If I am positive, I know it will break their hearts. More than anything, they do not want me to have to go through what my mom has been going through these past few months.
In my head, I am just trying to be as strong and tough as I can. I do not want them to be upset. Seeing them sad will be worse than if I found out I was positive.
I have tried to eliminate these thoughts as much as possible. But it is hard to not have those “what if” moments pop up. Being the overanalyzer that I am, I just keep playing the possibilities over and over in my head.
A huge weight will be lifted tomorrow morning no matter what my results are. We will all be doing a happy dance if I am negative. The gene will have stopped and my children will not have to worry about any of this mess.
If I am positive, I have chosen already to do surveillance for a while and go from there. This includes MRIs, breast exams, mammograms, etc. I would not want to undergo any major surgeries for a while until I gave surveillance a shot.
So there…that is what’s on my mind today. Sure, there is no point in assuming the worst when I do not know what my outcome is. But those little thoughts keep creeping in. My brain is in overdrive. Stay positive. Be strong. Don’t worry. I’m scared. What if? What next?
I will definitely do a post about my results tomorrow when I am finished with my appointment.
Until then…happy thoughts and thanks for reading! 🙂